I feel like the most horrible person on the planet. I just want to get up and make dinner. That’s it. But, I have been sick with respiratory infections, pneumonia, the flu, and now more sinus infections and upper respiratory infections back to back and I’m not sleeping and I’m so TIRED.

Nathan had surgery on his foot today and it’s all I can do to help him. I want to sleep. I just want to rest.

I am the worst wife of all time. I can’t even get up and make dinner. Every time I get up, I start hacking and coughing. I can’t do ANYTHING.

I honestly wish for death. I have been sick, physically, with everything stated above and then recovering and my mind is so jumbled, for almost a year.

No wonder I’m DEPRESSED! I feel like death!

I’m just ready to feel better physically. How does that happen?! How do I fix it?

I’m just so tired and I don’t want to just complain, but with my husband on his back and me constantly being sick… and I know what some will say…. At least you don’t have kids.

You’re right. I don’t. But, I do have at LEAST 9 alters to deal with and clean up after, a memory to recover, and a mind to attempt to nourish my mind back to something with some sort of normalcy.

And then there’s the world; the shootings, the fires, the hurt.

How can one person deal with it all?

I realize this is just a super complain-y post and whiny, but that’s because, damn it, I’m whiny right now.

I just want to sleep. I hate this crap.


Hey guys! It’s Jenna!! I’ve been singing and I’m fixing this hair that is on our head! Damnnnnn!

It’s Jessica, now. For the sake of my relationships, I have done what I said I wouldn’t. I erased Jenna’s post.

I am sorry, Jenna, as you try your best to do what’s best, but there are ways to do that while keeping people who are important to us.

Even if they aren’t important to Jenna.

I will probably get some backlash from this, but I’m okay with that.


Ghost Or No Ghost…

I feel better today than I have in a LONG time. I’m singing along to I Heart Radio and I dyed my hair last night. I just feel more like me. Less mild. More wild. You know.

And it’s occurring to me that I have let toxic people into my life. Well, just one, actually. But others do drain me and I have learned in the ward that those people need to go. But, that’s easier said than done.

My doctor at the ward said it would be best to not be around any triggers and someone has made themselves a substantial trigger for me, sooo….. I don’t know how to handle this.

I have been known to cut people off and just go “ghost” on them. I feel that’s what I should do. I’m not really needed. And some of these people are really not good for me. They don’t respect what I say. They don’t understand personal boundaries and it’s hard for me to NOT go into panic mode around them.

So, I have to do what’s best for me. I have to put my health first. I just don’t know. To ghost or not to ghost? That is the question.

It’s stressful just thinking about it.



Some times this blog stings people. Some times I have words and feelings I have to get out of me or it will stir within me and fester until I rot.

But, it stings me the most. Remember that.

The presenting problem is “Major Depressive Disorder”. I do still have all my diagnoses, but not all of them are the problem at hand. I do have alters present, but they are trying their best to protect me. They may not always make the best choices in other people’s eyes (or mine, for that matter), but they are always trying to help the only way they see fit. They are not the problem.

The problem is, the core of me is depressed beyond normal terms. Once something happens for me, it is usually pulled out from under me and I am left shaken and grieving.

That happened to me just before my breakdown.

I was grieving and I was overwhelmed.

I was actually needed and there was a little girl who needed me. Aaaaaaand there was nothing I could do. This girl accepted me and Nathan.

There was nothing I could do. She’s gone.

The one I thought would always be there was being told to go away from me and there was nothing I could do.

I’m tired of being helpless. I’m tired of feeling hopeless. I will never have the relationship I deserve. I must accept that.

I have cats. I have dogs. I will have my horse and I will live peacefully on my land, in God’s hand.

I want to come out of this. I want to feel like the person I want to be, not that I’ve ever been NOT depressed. That’s part of what makes it “major”.

I guess I’m just rambling. But, I lost another child and I will never get over that. Some people will never get that. Neither will I.

I just feel lost. Oh well.


2017 is going, going….

This year has been a hard one. My mental health has been shaky, at best. I lost a lot of time.

But I gained another family and a daughter, whom I love with all my heart.

I gained an understanding with my husband that, no matter how dark it gets in my mind, he will never leave me.

We have a plan for 2018 and, God willing, we will be on our way to being able to help ourselves and other people a little bit more.

We will be putting in a garden, right where Grandma and Grandpa’s used to be. We want to grow enough veggies to keep ourselves and our loved ones in fresh produce and maybe even sell a few.

I will be learning to can. I will be learning a lot of things.

I want horses on the property again. They are the best therapy for me and that’s what I need.

I have been doing work for my sister and our friend, at their LuLaRoe business and that has been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun for me. I LOVE fashion, so it’s a form of therapy, as well.

In 2018, I want to start connecting with people I’ve lost touch with. I want to learn more about my past, as you know, I don’t remember much, and I want to write the book. I’ve been working on it and working on it and I’m just not happy with it.

I want to make a difference with what I write. I want people everywhere to know they are important and they are worth everything in this world.

I especially want the people who are close to me to know that they are important enough that I fight every single day so I can still be around to tell them how important they are.

I feel the pull to go back to church. Strangely. I feel the pull to start trying with my look and style again. Very strangely.

Life is starting to look up. I’m looking forward to the fruit and vegetables we will be growing. I’m looking forward to the flower garden that will be dedicated to Grandma and alters past, especially Emma and Star.

I’m looking forward to getting fences up and horses on the property.

I’m ready. Come here, 2018. I want to give you a hug.

Peace out, 2017.


Tale Of A Good Night’s Sleep

It’s amazing what sleep can do for you! 

This is the second day in a row that I have woken up by 5am and just wanted to get up and start my day. (Now, that does NOT mean I wasn’t back in bed for a nap by 9am. I do get worn out pretty easily.)

I have been wanting to work out. (Not that I have done that, yet… Baby steps. Lol.)

I have been inspired, lately, to keep telling my story.

And, I know this will all come crashing down soon, but I choose to celebrate this small victory for as long as my mind will allow.

Thanking God for another good day. ❤️


World Mental Health Day – Real Talk

The truth is… This SUCKS and there is nothing that can be done about it. 

OCD is the most recent doagnosis. The thoughts start and they just won’t stop.

With all the multiple maladies, it just fades into the darkness that is my view of the future and also my present.

In general, I stay home and I mind my own business. I don’t know if it’s depression or the anxiety, but I don’t care about anything anymore. 

All the things I once loved and wanted so much, I don’t remember. Most people I once held dear, I don’t care to see anymore.

In my mind, I know this is me. This is part of the illness. This is just part of the darkness that takes over and, some day, it will pass.

It’s just the days I’m missing in between; the time I spend in silence, waiting for my head to release its hold on me is gone. I will never get it back and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I’ve tried medications, therapy, self care, positive words, meditation, yoga… you name it, I’ve tried it.

Nothing works.

So while everyone else seems to be going about their days and nights, raising their children and cooking dinner for their husbands, I will sit here, waiting for the will to do more than merely exist.

Will it come? Will I really live? 

I am afraid. I am angry. I am tired, but I’m here.



Sunday – Funday

I haven’t written in quite a while. I’m sorry for that. I have been to the doctor, lately. We are trying to get me off of my meds. 

When I first started taking them, I was in a really bad state of mind. My husband at the time was not to be trusted, I felt like my life was upside down and I had no control over anything. I needed the medications to cope.

Now, I am so thankful for the life I am in and my now and forever husband treats me like gold and diamonds, instead of something you scrape off your shoe, like husband 2 had a knack for doing, and I couldn’t be happier… And I think these meds are bringing me down. So, I am on my way to medicine free living!

I met someone at a family anniversary party, yesterday, who talked to me and Nathan and told me that he has been there with the anxiety and he knows exactly how it feels to lose your vision because you are wound so tight. He knows what it’s like to hear ringing in your ears or lose feeling in your body when anxiety snaps. He gave me words of hope. 

He told me not to let the anxiety win. It’s not happening TO me. It’s happening FOR me. 

We all go through our share of trauma and general bad “stuff” in our lives and we feel like it’s happening to us. But, if you flip the script, we can be using all of that bad for our good; and God’s, too!

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m finding all the good ways I can use this bad for. And, one of those ways is to help YOU to know that you are stronger than you’ll ever know and give you hope for a bright, new day. It’s coming! Can’t you feel it? I can feel it. ❤️

Love y’all.


Coming Home

Last night, we were coming home from Peyton’s (my adopted daughter) softball game and something happened. I switched. I came home. This is me. I am me and it has been over two years since I’ve been here. This morning, I remembered the things these two years have brought to me, like the highlights of a movie, like a film preview. 

The last I remember, I was driving home from Potosi and I can remember holding on so hard. I remember getting sick on the side of the road, in DeSoto. Then, nothing. Until last night.

In the meantime, I got divorced, I have lived a happy life, gotten married again, to one of the best men I know, moved around, reconnected with my parents, made a lot of new friends, ended some friendships and drank LOTS of coffee. (But all of those memories are like a movie; like someone else’s life on an old slide projector.) 

I don’t know why this happens. I don’t know HOW this happens. I just know that it’s how I cope. I know something must be going on internally and it is safe for me to be back.

This thing is so hard to deal with. It’s so hard to know you’re not in charge of your decisions.

Understand me… I am not always in charge of my actions and I don’t know how to fix it. 

This life is scary to me and there is no way to fix it. It just IS.

Talk to you all later, as I try to remember my life. Wish me luck!


Losing Time… Losing Words

I don’t understand a lot of things, these days. I don’t know where we keep normal household items. I don’t know words I want to use, when I want to use them.

Most of the time, I can’t quote anything, like I used to. I know what I want to say, but part way through, it just stops. My train of thought just disappears and some times I cling onto another train, splitting my stories and ideas. 

It is incredibly embarrassing. 

I hate this mind. I don’t know what to do. It seems there is nothing I can do. I’m missing out on my life. I don’t remember my life. It didn’t used to be like this, as much. I wish I could just stay in my house and never leave. I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. 

I wish I just could be comfortable and free. But, I’m not and I never will be.