I feel like the most horrible person on the planet. I just want to get up and make dinner. That’s it. But, I have been sick with respiratory infections, pneumonia, the flu, and now more sinus infections and upper respiratory infections back to back and I’m not sleeping and I’m so TIRED.

Nathan had surgery on his foot today and it’s all I can do to help him. I want to sleep. I just want to rest.

I am the worst wife of all time. I can’t even get up and make dinner. Every time I get up, I start hacking and coughing. I can’t do ANYTHING.

I honestly wish for death. I have been sick, physically, with everything stated above and then recovering and my mind is so jumbled, for almost a year.

No wonder I’m DEPRESSED! I feel like death!

I’m just ready to feel better physically. How does that happen?! How do I fix it?

I’m just so tired and I don’t want to just complain, but with my husband on his back and me constantly being sick… and I know what some will say…. At least you don’t have kids.

You’re right. I don’t. But, I do have at LEAST 9 alters to deal with and clean up after, a memory to recover, and a mind to attempt to nourish my mind back to something with some sort of normalcy.

And then there’s the world; the shootings, the fires, the hurt.

How can one person deal with it all?

I realize this is just a super complain-y post and whiny, but that’s because, damn it, I’m whiny right now.

I just want to sleep. I hate this crap.

JENNA’S AN ACT!

Hey guys! It’s Jenna!! I’ve been singing and I’m fixing this hair that is on our head! Damnnnnn!

It’s Jessica, now. For the sake of my relationships, I have done what I said I wouldn’t. I erased Jenna’s post.

I am sorry, Jenna, as you try your best to do what’s best, but there are ways to do that while keeping people who are important to us.

Even if they aren’t important to Jenna.

I will probably get some backlash from this, but I’m okay with that.

Jessica

Ghost Or No Ghost…

I feel better today than I have in a LONG time. I’m singing along to I Heart Radio and I dyed my hair last night. I just feel more like me. Less mild. More wild. You know.

And it’s occurring to me that I have let toxic people into my life. Well, just one, actually. But others do drain me and I have learned in the ward that those people need to go. But, that’s easier said than done.

My doctor at the ward said it would be best to not be around any triggers and someone has made themselves a substantial trigger for me, sooo….. I don’t know how to handle this.

I have been known to cut people off and just go “ghost” on them. I feel that’s what I should do. I’m not really needed. And some of these people are really not good for me. They don’t respect what I say. They don’t understand personal boundaries and it’s hard for me to NOT go into panic mode around them.

So, I have to do what’s best for me. I have to put my health first. I just don’t know. To ghost or not to ghost? That is the question.

It’s stressful just thinking about it.

Jessica

Grief.

Some times this blog stings people. Some times I have words and feelings I have to get out of me or it will stir within me and fester until I rot.

But, it stings me the most. Remember that.

The presenting problem is “Major Depressive Disorder”. I do still have all my diagnoses, but not all of them are the problem at hand. I do have alters present, but they are trying their best to protect me. They may not always make the best choices in other people’s eyes (or mine, for that matter), but they are always trying to help the only way they see fit. They are not the problem.

The problem is, the core of me is depressed beyond normal terms. Once something happens for me, it is usually pulled out from under me and I am left shaken and grieving.

That happened to me just before my breakdown.

I was grieving and I was overwhelmed.

I was actually needed and there was a little girl who needed me. Aaaaaaand there was nothing I could do. This girl accepted me and Nathan.

There was nothing I could do. She’s gone.

The one I thought would always be there was being told to go away from me and there was nothing I could do.

I’m tired of being helpless. I’m tired of feeling hopeless. I will never have the relationship I deserve. I must accept that.

I have cats. I have dogs. I will have my horse and I will live peacefully on my land, in God’s hand.

I want to come out of this. I want to feel like the person I want to be, not that I’ve ever been NOT depressed. That’s part of what makes it “major”.

I guess I’m just rambling. But, I lost another child and I will never get over that. Some people will never get that. Neither will I.

I just feel lost. Oh well.

Jessica

2017 is going, going….

This year has been a hard one. My mental health has been shaky, at best. I lost a lot of time.

But I gained another family and a daughter, whom I love with all my heart.

I gained an understanding with my husband that, no matter how dark it gets in my mind, he will never leave me.

We have a plan for 2018 and, God willing, we will be on our way to being able to help ourselves and other people a little bit more.

We will be putting in a garden, right where Grandma and Grandpa’s used to be. We want to grow enough veggies to keep ourselves and our loved ones in fresh produce and maybe even sell a few.

I will be learning to can. I will be learning a lot of things.

I want horses on the property again. They are the best therapy for me and that’s what I need.

I have been doing work for my sister and our friend, at their LuLaRoe business and that has been a lot of work, but also a lot of fun for me. I LOVE fashion, so it’s a form of therapy, as well.

In 2018, I want to start connecting with people I’ve lost touch with. I want to learn more about my past, as you know, I don’t remember much, and I want to write the book. I’ve been working on it and working on it and I’m just not happy with it.

I want to make a difference with what I write. I want people everywhere to know they are important and they are worth everything in this world.

I especially want the people who are close to me to know that they are important enough that I fight every single day so I can still be around to tell them how important they are.

I feel the pull to go back to church. Strangely. I feel the pull to start trying with my look and style again. Very strangely.

Life is starting to look up. I’m looking forward to the fruit and vegetables we will be growing. I’m looking forward to the flower garden that will be dedicated to Grandma and alters past, especially Emma and Star.

I’m looking forward to getting fences up and horses on the property.

I’m ready. Come here, 2018. I want to give you a hug.

Peace out, 2017.

Jessica

Tale Of A Good Night’s Sleep

It’s amazing what sleep can do for you! 

This is the second day in a row that I have woken up by 5am and just wanted to get up and start my day. (Now, that does NOT mean I wasn’t back in bed for a nap by 9am. I do get worn out pretty easily.)

I have been wanting to work out. (Not that I have done that, yet… Baby steps. Lol.)

I have been inspired, lately, to keep telling my story.

And, I know this will all come crashing down soon, but I choose to celebrate this small victory for as long as my mind will allow.

Thanking God for another good day. ❤️

Jessica

World Mental Health Day – Real Talk

The truth is… This SUCKS and there is nothing that can be done about it. 

OCD is the most recent doagnosis. The thoughts start and they just won’t stop.

With all the multiple maladies, it just fades into the darkness that is my view of the future and also my present.

In general, I stay home and I mind my own business. I don’t know if it’s depression or the anxiety, but I don’t care about anything anymore. 

All the things I once loved and wanted so much, I don’t remember. Most people I once held dear, I don’t care to see anymore.

In my mind, I know this is me. This is part of the illness. This is just part of the darkness that takes over and, some day, it will pass.

It’s just the days I’m missing in between; the time I spend in silence, waiting for my head to release its hold on me is gone. I will never get it back and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I’ve tried medications, therapy, self care, positive words, meditation, yoga… you name it, I’ve tried it.

Nothing works.

So while everyone else seems to be going about their days and nights, raising their children and cooking dinner for their husbands, I will sit here, waiting for the will to do more than merely exist.

Will it come? Will I really live? 

I am afraid. I am angry. I am tired, but I’m here.

Again.

Jessica